Meditation #9

To start, Im in a room together with my puer aeternus, Siplipito. We are together, trying to do something. 

We try to flee. Pack things that we already have and flee.

I would say its sort of a symbolism of a change. Baggage of the past that I am trying to take with me. 

And Russians sort of feel like a supreme force, that you should be fearing upon, they are strong and the encounter with them is surely going to be painful. But if you try, you could win tho.

With this info, what kind of exile am I trying to accomplish, that is set on repeat and I am always failing. 

Sort of stuck with my past. Cant get over all the items in the house. All I need are only essentials. 

Honestly, right now, it feels like a big change. Identity change sort of. 

In this process second character pops in - Lisarion. A person that I really love in my life and feels like a life teammate. Even though that person has its downsides, its all fine. Who cares?

Those are my associations though for rn.

But I have to be honest, sometimes I am thinking that I am using that person really badly. To fulfill my own goals. 

But on the same moment I feel like this dishonest exploitation put me in a goalless situation myself, where I have nowhere really to stream towards to.

I keep convincing myself that I live for others and I want to be successful to be helping others, especially my close friend group. Like in an utopistic communal village. We are all together, we do what we love and we are all doing great.

And doing great is still undefined.

Honestly, again, those undefined high matters seem laughable when my current frontline lies on the range of procastination and sinful hand action fuelled by internet rapidity. 

Okay, after this offtopic passage, lets get back to the dream analysis.

To conclude the character of Lisarion could be symbol of love and also unloving. 

Feels like I am stuck now. 

I need my psychologist to put the tit of soothing back in my mouth.

Anyway, what is this mysterious figure doing in my dream, it is dancing, singing and laughing. 

What are those to me? Nice things?

Something positive, non-serious?

Or thats the part thats in the relaxation, not giving a shit. While Im all sweating over abstract ideas in the abstract plane of time, placing items in the present and possible future outcomes.

Thats funny actually, those worries never materialised, I would say 9 out of 10 cases. Yet I keep doing it. 

Brain is ill, its rotting a bit. Needs healing. Rest. Peace. A change. 

Im getting furious at the sight of this.

My furious reaction is another sign to that. 

In the end Ive got killed anyway. 

I even remember that while I was holding the door in fear, Siplipito, my so called eternally irresponsible youngster self was the opposite, it decided to take stance, give it a last fight. No matter what are the odds. While I was thinking I was holding the situation, I was with my rational mind the one who was shaking.

Actually, this is an interesting lesson.

The masculine, spontaneous and assertive part in me that I was suppresing and was behaving like a woman is sort of floating up. It is a scary process but worth supporting. Otherwise, life will become grey mass of doubt.

What are we anyway when we get shot by leather robed russian with an AK anyway.